Miscarriage: On my heart.

I struggled with posting this one.
Here is me being honest, raw, and open about my family's loss.

Miscarriage. 

It happens so often to so many women but yet most of the time its such a hush-hush situation.

I lost my sweet baby two years ago already. Wow.
Typing that just made it become so real.
Two years.
I lost him/her the beginning of March of 2013.

I believe everything happens for a reason, we hear that all the time.
You go through something sad & tragic, and I feel the first thing people do to comfort one another is to blurt out those words--

"Everything happens for a reason."

Maybe it's just me, but that's the last thing I wanted to hear in this situation.
I know they are trying their best to give comfort, but honestly there is just nothing anyone can say to make it better. I had to see it play out and see the Lord's hands in my life before I could ever learn to accept what and why I was going through this.

I was so excited to be pregnant, I wanted to share it with my husband who was away in the coast guard.
I drove 2 hours just because I couldn't handle him not knowing a second longer.

I wanted to share the joy & excitement with him.

Our little family was growing, and I began telling close family and friends about our new addition.
I know they say don't tell anyone for 12 weeks,  but I never follow that rule.
Too much excitement to not share.
Looking back I wouldn't have done it differently because I knew there were more prayers lifted up for me and my family through this time.

I had scheduled my first ultrasound, everything looked great.
Little bean was moving all over.
Hearing that heartbeat beating so strong is one of the best feelings ever.

I carried my baby for 9 weeks.
I remember exactly where I was when I felt something wasn't right.
I spent countless hours on the phone trying to get a hold of my doctor to give me advice on what to do.
She just kept reassuring me that everything was okay, the baby is fine.
She gave me that hope and reassurance so I wouldn't worry so much.
False hope.
I wish she wouldn't have because I knew deep down I was losing.
A mother's intuition is no joke.

I went in for my second ultrasound.
This time Brent went with me and my mom drove us because she wanted to be by my side if anything happened.
Brent's parents had just flown in that morning from Texas and they had taken Liam and went out to eat.

Brent and I walked into the ultrasound room, where the lady greeted us so kindly. I sat up on the bed where they put the warm gel on my stomach. The screen popped up and there the baby was.
There was an awkward silence.
I will never forget the look on the ultrasound tech's face as she turned towards me saying:

"I'm so sorry, their is no heartbeat."

My heart sank.
I looked over at the screen and just saw a lifeless little baby.
There was no movement, everything was just STILL. 

The first thing that came in my head was the lyrics to the song by Matt Redman "Blessed be your name."

"The Lord gives and takes away, but my heart will choose to say Lord blessed be your name."

Tears started rolling down my face, uncontrollably.  My husband comforted me as best he could. Its hard for men; they feel and grieve so differently then women do. That's something I had to understand throughout this whole process.

I was told to go wait in the doctors office until she came in to give me instructions.
I waited for over an HOUR.
All I wanted was to go home to Liam and hold him and never let go.
Do these people understand this is the last place you want to sit at after you have just been told you lost your baby?

The doctor just asked me if I had any questions.
Of course I had a ton, but I couldn't think of anything. I just wanted to go home to my baby.

I crawled in bed and just let the tears roll down, I asked for Liam and just held him in my arms.

I have such wonderful in laws that I felt so bad they had just flown in to spend time with us and had to come during this hard time but they gave me a lot of comfort. Looking back I know that was all in God's timing.
Both Brent's parents came upstairs gave me hugs and just prayed.

I felt God's presence in my heart.

There was little information on the internet about what to actually expect when your miscarrying other than just what it is. It wasn't until I started reading other blogs & discussion boards that I really got an in-depth explanation on what to expect.
It was scary.

No. Actually, it was terrifying.

Looking back I think I would have opted for a DNC right away.
Not that it would have made it less emotionally painful, but it would help to get started on the grieving process.
Passing naturally which my doctor recommended was such an emotional roller coaster that I just wasn't prepared for.
But who is in these situations?
It lasted for over a month.
Until one day I knew I had for sure lost the baby, I felt an emptiness that I can not explain.
Seeing Liams little eyes look at me in tears and sadness made my heart break.
I was out at the time it all really started, which I would recommend staying home if you can because it was quite embarrassing.
It was just another thing I wasn't expecting.
I sobbed for hours knowing I no longer had my baby with me.
I read many blogs on this moment of other women's journeys, but nothing compares to you actually experiencing it.


It wasn't until 3 months later that I started realizing God's timing in everything.
I found out I was pregnant again in June, and was due in the beginning of March 2014.
On the same day I lost my second baby.
Coincidence?
No.

God's timing.

I found out that the little baby (Sawyer) I was carrying at the time was going to be a boy on the same day I was due with my second pregnancy.
Wow, God you are amazing.

I know now that there is a reason for this miscarriage in my life.
It has drawn me closer to God on a more intimate level, more than I could ever imagine.
I started a journal to really write down my prayers. It has been such a blessing.
If you are struggling with any hardship in your life, I really suggest you writing down your prayers.
There is something about pen to paper that is so simple and special, like writing letters to God.
I look back on it now and read how I felt in the moment and how far I have come since then.

I prayed for those families who have had multiple miscarriages or who just can't get pregnant at all.
My heart aches for you.
I prayed for myself to have an understanding.
And most importantly, I THANKED the Lord for my many blessings I receive from him day in and day out.

If anyone is struggling with their miscarriage,
I am here with you and would love to talk and pray for you.
It's not an easy topic to talk about.
But it's so important to show love and support to others that have or are currently struggling with this.

Although I wonder and think about all the time what life would've been like if my precious baby had not passed away, I know he/she is with God who loves them even more then I ever could have.

I will see him/her one day.
Knowing this gives me peace.

"The Lord gives and takes away, but I will choose to say Lord blessed be your name."